Disclaimer: For those reaching for the fact-check button, this is a work of satire. Please note that while the real appointments of people from Chief Minister C. Joseph Vijay’s film circle are genuine and have been reported, the appointments of Lokesh Kanagaraj, Anirudh Ravichander, Atlee and Nelson Dilipkumar described above exist entirely in our cinematic universe. Any resemblance to a future cabinet reshuffle is purely coincidental and definitely not a casting call.
Tamil Nadu Chief Minister C. Joseph Vijay’s government appears to have discovered a revolutionary new talent-acquisition strategy: why search outside the Chief Minister’s filmography when there is an entire universe of proven Vijay collaborators waiting to serve the State?
A producer of his final film has been given a prominent Delhi posting. Another producer associated with his blockbusters has found a place on an HR&CE committee. His longtime manager has moved into the Chief Minister’s Office as Private Secretary. A cinematographer who worked on three Vijay films now heads the State’s government film institute.
Four appointments may be coincidence.
Or perhaps Tamil Nadu has finally found the ultimate meritocracy: if you made a Vijay film, managed Vijay or supplied Vijay with a particularly memorable BGM, you may already possess the experience required to run a government department.
Why stop with four?
If we extend this model to its ‘logical’ conclusion, here is what Tamil Nadu’s next set of appointments could look like.
Lokesh Kanagaraj: Director-General, Tamil Nadu Drugs Control
Who better to head Tamil Nadu’s Drugs Control Department than the architect of the Lokesh Cinematic Universe or better known as Lokiverse?
After all, Lokesh has spent years creating an interconnected cinematic world populated by drug cartels, narcotics networks, gangsters and men with an extraordinary ability to acquire firearms.
If understanding the drug trade is the qualification, the résumé practically writes itself.
Under this ‘appointment’, every narcotics raid would begin with slow-motion police walk and an ominous BGM cue. Officers would enter premises only after establishing their mass elevation. Confiscated substances would be displayed under dramatic lighting.
The department’s new slogan? “Drug Control. Lokiverse Style.”
Opposition parties might ask whether making films about criminals qualifies someone to police them. The government’s ‘response’ would presumably be simple: Who understands the criminal ecosystem better than someone who created one?
Anirudh Ravichander: Vice-Chancellor, Tamil Nadu Music College
If Vijay’s films need one thing besides Vijay, it is BGM. And if anyone has supplied enough of it to qualify for a government appointment, surely it is Anirudh Ravichander.
Under this ‘appointment’, Tamil Nadu’s music education system would undergo an immediate modernisation. Carnatic music would remain in the syllabus. But every raga would receive a mandatory electronic drop. Every student would be trained in Mass BGM Studies, Hero Entry Composition and Vaathi Raid Rhythms Research.
Faculty meetings would have tension music. Examination results would have victory music. Convocation ceremonies would conclude with a massive musical drop rather than a valedictory address.
The college anthem? Probably “Naa Ready.”
Atlee: Chairman, Tamil Nadu Coffee Board
Tamil Nadu’s coffee industry has spent decades perfecting its blend. Atlee has spent his career perfecting something else: taking a simple story and turning it into a gigantic mass spectacle.
So naturally, the ‘Coffee Board appointment’ writes itself.
Under Atlee’s leadership, every coffee consignment leaving the Nilgiris would receive a proper hero introduction.
The camera would pan across the coffee beans.
The drums would begin.
The sacks would be lifted in slow motion.
The truck driver would turn towards the camera.
Freeze frame.
“Nilgiris. Mass Kaapi.”
Filter coffee would be rebranded “Mass Kaapi”, and every cup would come with the promise that one sip is enough to make the entire theatre — sorry, State — whistle.
The Coffee Board’s annual report would contain considerably more hero shots than agricultural statistics.
Nelson Dilipkumar: Director-General Of Prisons
Tamil Nadu’s prison administration could also benefit from some cinematic expertise.
Enter Nelson Dilipkumar.
His films have featured heavily armed men, confined spaces, elaborate prison settings and an impressive number of people being dispatched in increasingly creative ways.
Under this ‘appointment’, prison reform would receive a complete cinematic makeover.
Roll call would have BGM.
Lights-out would have a bass drop.
Prisoners would be encouraged to participate in Second Half Rehabilitation Programmes.
Any inmate attempting a slow clap would immediately attract suspicion of planning a third-act twist.
And prison wardens would no longer ask whether an inmate was rehabilitated.
They would ask: “Has he successfully completed the Muthuvel Pandian protocol?”
The New Government Recruitment Rule: Did You Work With Joseph Vijay?
In a very cinematic universe, these appointments maybe real. But the real appointments already provide the premise. So who knows, this may even happen!
A producer of Vijay’s final film gets a Delhi posting. A producer of two of his major blockbusters gets a government-linked HR&CE position. His longtime manager enters the Chief Minister’s Office. A cinematographer who worked with him on three films takes charge of a government film institute.
What happens if this logic is taken to its inevitable conclusion?
If producing Vijay’s films is a qualification for government office, then why not appoint the man who understands Vijay’s drug-filled cinematic universe to Drugs Control?
If composing Vijay’s mass BGMs counts as expertise, why not put the composer in charge of music education?
If turning Vijay films into enormous spectacles is the benchmark, why not hand the Coffee Board to a master of mass presentation?
And if Vijay’s films have taught us anything about prison breaks, why not put a mass-action director in charge of prisons?
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